Puzzling Evidence, or A Response to the Crazy Millenialist Christians Who Are Bombing Us With Spam, Part 2

Read part 1 HERE.

America=Moslem

Hmmm, that is a frightening prospect.  About as frightening as a bunch of fundamentalist Christians taking over the government, and appointing a series of like-minded judges to the courts who’ll effect American jurisprudence for decades. . . oh, wait, that actually happened.

This is really an intramural fight between the crazy people, and the rest of us would do best to just stay out of it.   It’s kinda like watching two mental patients arguing over whose invisible friend is the real one.  Let’s just hope that the Christian right and their Moslem bugaboos never catch on to how compatible their aims are, ’cause if they ever do,  it’s bedtime for democracy kiddies.

Is Obama a Muslim?  Probably not.  Is he a religious Christian?  I doubt it.  I give him more credit than that.  Does he, and a lot of the politicians who claim Christian faith, just pretend to believe this stuff because you can’t get elected to high office in America without showing occasional obeisance to the purported Grand Poobah of the Universe?  In all likelihood, yes.  However often he gets down on his own knees, it’s kinda hard for me to believe that Slick Willy really thinks a guy died on the cross for his BJ’s.  Here’s a fun fact: of the top 20 industrialized nations, only Turkey ranks lower than the United States in the percentage of the population that believes in Darwin’s theory of evolution.  That scares me a lot more than the prospect of a Moslem take-over of the US (although if they were to all decide to stop making deli sandwiches on the same day, the nation may well be torn asunder).

Anti-Christ

Two things you can learn here:

1) Satan has a little dick.  Bet Jesus is hung like a bear.

2) Rick really hated the “Star Wars” prequels.  I mean, yeah, Hayden Christianson can’t act his way out of a paper bag, but to cast him as the anti-Christ, that’s just mean.

Bohemian Grove

“The Bohemian Grove, that I attend from time to time—the Easterners and the others come there—but it is the most faggy goddamn thing you could ever imagine . . .”-Richard Nixon on the Watergate Tapes

“How could I go back and sit in civics class, and listen to good government bullshit, after that?”-Henry Hill

Well, ya got me here Rick.  Minus the claims of infanticide, and occult ritual, this is actually true.  Some of the world’s richest and most powerful men really do get together for two weeks every summer and run around naked in the woods.  File this one under the “truth is stranger than fiction” category.  It’s mostly a Republican thing, ’cause let’s face it, those guys are all queer as a three dollar bill, although some Democrats have been known to attend.

To understand the goings on at Bohemian Grove, you have to spend some time around very rich white people.  And not the nouvau riche variety either.  We’re talking about a level of dorkiness that only the real blue-bloods are able to convincingly cultivate.  The kinds who can tell you exactly how many people would have to get wiped out in a freak dental accident for them to claim the British throne.  Those kinds of white people.  Now you might say, “But Russ, you’re a total fucking New York Jew, and you haven’t got a pot to piss in.  What do you know about these kinds of people?”  Well, if you were from such a family, and you really wanted to find the perfect guy to piss off your parents . . .   ‘Nuff said.

Yes Virginia, there really is an American aristocracy, and they really do live in a parallel universe whose customs, mores, and rituals are different from our own.  They tend to come from the same families, go to the same schools, and have a general appreciation for Classical culture (seeing themselves as the heirs to it), deviled eggs, and kinky sex .  What African-Americans are to Average White Americans, Average White Americans from outside the club are to them.  Sure, you may get your token middle-class white dude running a Fortune 500 company, but take a closer look at who holds all the stock, and you’ll probably find a member of this club.

Bohemian Grove was established in Northern California in 1872 as a refuge for writers, artists, businessmen, and newspaper publishers, wanting to establish a circle of culture in the uncouth West.  In 1878 the tradition of a summer encampment began and once the word got out, all the rich, dorky white people wanted to join.  Every Republican President since 1923 has been a member (members are known as “Bohos” or “Grovers”-if that ain’t some dorky shit, I don’t know what is), and every major energy, and media company in the US includes club members on its roster (which is why you’ve probably never heard of it).

See, this is where I don’t understand conspiracy theorists.  The conspiracy is real, but you don’t have to go digging under the foundations of Trinity Church to find it.  It’s right here, out in the open, right in front of your face.  These weird, creepy, criminal bastards, hang out in a big campground for two weeks every year, talking shop, making dick jokes, putting on drag shows, pissing on redwoods, and dividing the spoils.  And it’s all true!  No Illuminati required.

If you really want a vivid picture, this is the only article in existence written from the inside: http://sociology.ucsc.edu/whorulesamerica/power/bohemian_grove_spy.html

Catholicism Revealed

I’ll be the first to admit that the new Pope looks a little evil.  But I probably have a genetic predisposition to feel that way whenever I see  a German guy addressing enthralled millions from a balcony.  My people saw the writing on the wall (in the form a star of David with the word “Juden”, scrawled under it, in the front of their department store), and got out in ’33 when the gettin’ was good.  Unfortunately, the Austria to which they had fled wasn’t all that hot a refuge for the Untermenschen either.  At a family conference my great-grandad then wisely declared, “fuck these German-speaking peoples”, and hopped a ship to the US, literally as the Nazi tanks were rolling in.  But that still doesn’t mean that the Pope is a Satanist, or even a Nazi.  History tells us that he was an “unenthusiastic” Nazi, and that’s good enough for me.  And to be fair, the former Cardinal Ratzinger was well known for his singular love of Heavy Metal music long before he became the divine pontiff, so it’s no surprise that every now and then he just feels the need to bang his head and flash the Sign of the Beast to the crowd.  And as far as the supposedly “satanic” politicians pictured here go, where would Barrack Obama be without his whistle stop tour classic, “Come on Feel the Noise”?

Next Up: God goes Narc, Microchipped liberals, Rick plays the Death card.